"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. "
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? "
"My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
"After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles."
"Never have more children than you have car windows. "
"Where's your will to be weird?"
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."
"Dogs come when they are called. Cats have answering machines and may get back to you."
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"